‘The allure of romantic relationships is blasted from every media outlet to tempt our emotive senses with the prospect of falling in love and living the couple’s dream of a shared life with kids, the family dog and cat plus a loving place to call home’
And it’s true this vision of life is being played out here on Planet Earth in the context of marriages, partnerships some of which are of same-sex orientation. That is gay and lesbian unions built on the same premise as their neighboring boy meets girl story, line except in this case, it is ‘guy meets guy’ or ‘girl meets girl.’ This is also my story as I am a lesbian and attracted only to women in a romantic, sexual way as a statement of difference in a predominantly heterosexual world. The irony is all relationships whether they be straight or gay have the same challenges that can rock a partnership to the core with pre-dated patterns and messages of massive dysfunction caused by childhood trauma and prior relationships layered with disharmony and discord. Left to our own devices we can navigate most of life’s hardships but put us with a soul in a loving dynamic and all bets are off as we go from flying solo to a deep and meaningful relationship that may test our every resolve. And that includes the mountains of past events entrenched in your new partner’s psyche or subconscious. Relationships are a covert affair of hidden undercurrents and issues that appear under the guise of triggers and reactions to unexpected things..
‘These sparks from the past bring in the after-effects of traumatic events that you may have suppressed as the pain was too much to bear’
This could be childhood abuse or a partner who thought hitting you was a way to maintain control. Unjust cruelty is a distorted view of how one treats another but sadly a phenomenon that keeps our world in the shadow of corrupted unions. Lesbian relationships are not exempt and feel the sting of a partner’s interpretation of love. A pure essence that can not be manipulated or controlled. Love carries a meaning of many variations depending on what experiences a lesbian may have had. One woman may consider that love gives her the right to verbally abuse her lover by undermining her confidence in all that she is. The games that are played can destroy a relationship in a heartbeat and why we need to know how to love ourselves and another healthily. This is a tall order in a realm of misguidance by guardians who may teach their kids to talk down to their loved ones or manipulate their thinking through messages of compliance. It is an epidemic of sorts how parents shape their children’s ability to love. Our rendezvous with childhood trauma can stamp the way we connect in adult partnerships. The trouble begins as kids who have been emotionally wounded try to navigate a marriage with a band aid over hostile parenting or childhood molestation. The kind of partnerships formed may be off the grid as the unhealed lesbian walks into her first grown-up romance carrying a bag full of hurt. What happens next is anyone’s guess but if you are psychologically inclined the warning bells will sound as unresolved pain lurks in the background of a promising, lesbian liaison.
‘If this measure of hurt is sexual abuse the attraction may be a magnetized pull to a kindred spirit who has experienced a similar kind of abuse’
And that can be by a complete stranger or a partner who thinks it’s okay to inflict harm on a loved one. Either way, a trauma bond can be formed between two people who have uniquely experienced abuse of a sexual nature and are now in a romance with each other. It is as though a signal goes out to another soul that I am hurt like you are and understand how it made you feel. This magnetic pull of shared abuse can set a couple up for healing or a continuance of the negative effects it had on them. And this can be played out in the form of fetishes or desires that relate to the style of sexual abuse that happened. A couple’s sex life can be on repeat as they become the victim or past abuser depending on what roles are being played. For example, a person who was continually raped as a child may feel a need to be sexually submissive and dependent. In contrast, another person who felt powerless with a partner who sexually abused them may flip the script and take the stance of the abuser and physically dominate their new partner in bed. It sounds a little off the planet but this is how abuse can be replicated long after it has taken place. This is not about judging what preferences people have sexually whether that be a liking for bondage, sex toys, or other forms of kinky sex when it is consensual on both sides. This reference is to using sex as powerplays instead of healing the actual abuse.
‘After that a couple may still enjoy various ways to obtain sexual pleasure but their choices will come from a place of healed sexual trauma’
Lesbian couples are not immune as sexual interplay may be based entirely on a childhood molestation or carnal assault. One of the biggest issues a survivor may face is shame and blame that somehow they could have caused someone to hurt them. The thing to understand is it is never the victim’s fault as abusers can be adept at controlling or creating a cone of silence around their repeat acts of sexual violence. It can be years later a person talks about it or never at all and this is where the suppressed trauma can wreak havoc on a woman’s life. With no validation or deeper appreciation of how their rights were violated, many women can and do turn the initial pain back on themselves and this comes in the form of addictions, self-hate, and even suicide. A sexual assault by a male on a lesbian can be devastating to their sexual ID. It won’t change the knowing you are gay but the violation of your LGBT rights can be heartbreaking as you attempt to navigate the horror of being taken by force by someone not of your sexuality. It’s a cruel action and can be done to humiliate a lesbian’s ‘free will’ to only have sex with women. Some men see it as a challenge and perhaps believe they can convert a lesbian to a woman who is turned on by men. This rarely happens and ends up with the lesbian feeling disrespected for her gay female status. Bisexual women are often raped for this very reason and the social stigma that bisexuals are more promiscuous than heterosexual women
‘The biphobia tag can make bi-women vulnerable to partnership violence and external attacks’
It’s a crazy world that defines a woman’s sexuality as an open door for men to take advantage of sexually and time this misconception was seriously addressed. As a spiritual lesbian woman, I consider the judgment of mainstream religion about homosexuals being morally wrong can create an outcast or misfit effect that puts us on the outer rim of society and therefore susceptible to attacks. What ensues after the fact is a woman who may feel the shame of being gay and then be afraid to report the incident for fear of rebuttal by those in law enforcement who may not sympathize with a gay woman wanting to make a complaint. My beloved lesbian and bisexual sisters are at risk and may never speak of their assailant’s misdeed and instead internalize the pain of what took place as it did long ago for me in a churchyard. I chose to call the police and suffered the humiliation of hospital checks and then being quizzed by those in authority asking me to relive every detail of a stranger- rape that shook me to the core. I then had to wait for a court case and recount all that happened once again in front of my attacker and endure the cross-examination of a defense lawyer looking to save their client. He went to prison and I lost my way for some time, so understand why so many women do not come forward. I believe it helps validate the actual event and brings a certain amount of power back into the hands of the victim. Lesbians and bisexual women who are not entirely out may struggle to share their abuse while feeling their voices will not be heard by heterosexual friends and family.
‘The aloneness a woman might feel from not being able to share the terror she felt can be psychologically and emotionally damaging’
For example, those who carry childhood sexual abuse in silence will not be aware of how it might be played out in adult relationships. And this is where the need for sexual desires that may reflect their earlier trauma can come to light. There may also be a need to supplement sex with alcohol or drugs as an escape mechanism from intimacy. Escaping the truth of how rape or continual molestation made us feel is a roadblock to healing and why we often choose to stay in unhealthy dynamics with no exit. There are so many bisexual and lesbian women right now in the throes of an abusive or distorted union that they feel too afraid to leave. It’s the same for heterosexual partnerships but here we are focusing on same-sex dynamics that are playing out roles of codependency and control. Regardless of how much we think we know about the psychology of relationships, It is still easy to fall for the wrong girl and become entrenched in a union based on expectations of submission and dominance. This carries through to the sexual side of the partnership where the message of hurt is a continuous theme. A sense of safety means sticking together regardless of how it makes each person feel in a straight world and not surprising why gay women persevere with irrational relationships for fear of being judged. It’s amazing how being heterosexual does not breed quite the same attitude in the breakdown of a relationship. And why lesbians and bisexuals find it difficult to seek help from family or friends when their partnership is in trouble.
‘It comes down to the stigma of being gay but as gay people, we share the same issues as straight couples and need understanding in the same way’
Finding a compassionate counselor who works with couples in crisis is a smart way forward and many counselors are available to support lesbian and bisexual relationships. If one or both partners are survivors of sexual abuse gaining a new perspective from a third party will help each person understand what happened to them and why they might struggle with sexual intimacy and not enjoy being touched in certain areas of their body. The impact of earlier abuse can leave the scars of trust and an inability to feel comfortable during the act of sex. Often a partner may be completely shut down and unable to feel the touch of their partner. That is why getting therapy is so important as it will allow each partner to help the other who was abused. The LGBT community has sex therapists who are available to help couples navigate the emotional and physical fallout of sexual abuse. This support is paramount for gays who have issues with their LGBT status. Not all families agree with their child or siblings’ gay stance and this can affect the way they interact with a new love sexually. The avalanche of past happenings can harm our romantic liaisons for the rest of our lives if we have little awareness of how they affect us. And that can be on all levels of intimacy, sexual and emotional interactions. Therapists understand how sexual abuse can impair a person’s vision of a healthy partnership in the bedroom and out. Their caring role is to help victims acknowledge the abuse and how they felt during the ordeal. This lets the healing begin from powerless to empowered.
‘Many things can reignite the original trauma’
Like a song that may have been playing on a radio or the scent of the abuser’s fragrance or aroma of their cologne. I recall being triggered emotionally years after my rape and not often sure what set it off. The effects of sexual abuse can be played out with flashbacks – heart palpitations – sweats – panic attacks – bulimia, and anorexia nervosa plus chronic fear – pain – depression – disassociation, and shame. The latter is a forest fire of feelings as women wonder if they did something to encourage their abuser like dress seductively or in the case of a partnership upset their other half which caused them to treat them poorly. It’s never your fault should be the mantra for victims of abuse because it was the conscious choice of another to use their power to hurt them. Finding the way home is a minefield to navigate and every person will do it in their own time and way. Holistic measures to help you heal include breathwork, meditation, and self-care while walking was my savior promoting fitness and releasing endorphins that eased the emotional pain and stress of my attack. It also helped me get in touch with my body and heal the emotional hurt. Lesbian and bisexual abuse is a message of concern as high rates of our beloved sisters have and will endure some kind of sexual or partnership abuse. It’s a travesty that dishonors the LGBT community who honor their right to be fabulous as lesbian and bisexual women. It’s time to respect and sincerely love who we are. And if we are abused be adamant we did not deserve it.
‘Stand tall lesbian and bisexual lovers you’re the children of a brave new world. A land where difference is beautiful as a collective of acceptance and love’
Author ~ Linda E Cole (The Divine Feminine)
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